Me and a MIDI Controller

My life. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. There's a MIDI Controller here with me. His name is DOODAH.

Jul 28

*flips table* Now I nearly legitimately do hate everything about my existence.

Jul 21

It’s been a while since I’ve had to use this blog.

Lately I just feel…unwanted? Unappreciated? Well, I am kind of a royal screw-up lately. To the nth degree. I hurt one of the people that means the most to me, I found out, in an absolutely horrifying manner, and I’ve wanted to shoot myself in the mouth because of it. I’m pissing all kinds of people off without even trying or meaning to, and I’ve been in this house for near six solid days, and it’s driving me absolutely nuts.

I wanna know that someone out there actually cares about me. I wanna know that someone out there actually wants to know that I’m okay. And I don’t wanna go to the passive-aggressive route and go nuts on facebook here. But I’m just looking for some kind of validation and closure that I’m not a horrible person.

On top of this, nearly everyone I know is getting engaged or married. And while I do have more luck with dating than most, I still feel lately like I am going to die alone. I generally have 4 requirements for a girl. They need to be LDS. They need to be geeky, to a degree, so they can tolerate me being geeky. They need to be within the state, and they need to be straight. That’s not very much to ask for! But unfortunately, I can usually only pick three of those four. I’m too geeky and not LDS enough for the normal LDS girls, I’m too LDS and not geeky enough for the inverse. I am literally in a position in which I cannot win. I feel useless and unwanted.

On top of all this, music and finding a job is going hellishly awful. I’ve been unemployed since February 15th, and the more days that go by, the less and less I’m worth to an employer. And I refuse to work fast food, I would literally rather shoot myself in the mouth.

To top it all off, my family situation has only gotten worse. Mom is talking about up and moving to Florida, and has been looking at houses and condos and payment plans for them both. Dad seems completely disinterested, and Andrew doesn’t even seem to know. Am I literally the only one that cares anymore?

*shrug* oh well.

May 14

Having another rough night. I can hear my parents arguing downstairs. My little brother just ran upstairs from the basement and slammed his door shut. I can only hope I can sleep tonight. 

Maybe I should try my hand at writing?

May 9

Man, talk about really awful timing.

May 4

How is it this hard to find a roommate I won’t legitimately contemplate murdering?

Apr 29

I’m unsure of every single one of my emotions and thoughts as of late. Take nothing I say or have said in the last few weeks seriously. At minimum, with a grain of salt. I just need to drown all of my emotions in mint brownies. 

(It’s not, like, I’m sad or anything? I’m just like, super unsure of everything now. GDI.)

Apr 16

Apr 5

Having another rough night. Missing my girlfriend a ton, as per the norm. Here’s to hoping it gets better tomorrow. :\

Apr 2

Normally I’d save these for late at night when no one will bother reading them. But in this case I need to just get some things off my chest. 

Today started out as a regular day, get up, shower, chat with my girlfriend a little. She’s been really having a hard time with the distance lately, and I wish I could help her. But, outside of that, get dressed, go to work, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, that’s where everything good today ends. 

I get home to a letter from the college I’ve been going to for the last 2 1/2 years, hoping that it’s the “Yes you can have a diploma now” letter. 

It wasn’t. 

After 2 1/2 hours of calling and trying to get dipwits to answer simple questions, I found out I was screwed out of my diploma, because SLCC is lowering the credit value of classses. They cut one credit out of my Film 1070 course, and now I am short one credit. However, this still leaves me with 61 credits, which is required for an associates degree of science. Do they let me get my diploma?

Nope. They insist I don’t have enough credits to graduate. So now I’m taking summer semester. 

That’s not where it ends. My mom has been taking these HCG drops for some screwball diet she saw on Dr. Oz, and it’s been making her incredibly irritable lately. Everything from finding out I wasn’t getting my diploma, to how I reacted when I found that out, to me correcting my dad on the model of phone he had, to pointing out that the job listings my mom sent me all require the age of 21 to apply (I’m 19), was up for yelling and criticism by my mother. I confronted her about the diet (For those who don’t know, the HCG diet is when you take synthetic pregnancy hormones, to fool your body into thinking you’re pregnant, so your metabolism speeds up. Take it from someone who took Biotech courses for a year and a half, synthetic hormones are rarely ever a good idea.), which led to more yelling. 

Having this weigh over me and ruining my mood, I overhear a conversation downstairs between my mom and my little brother. Now, for those of you who don’t know, my little brother is a junior in high school, and an engineering prodigy. Unfortunately, he’s also lazy being belief, and is failing a buncha classes. Now, when I got close to failing a class, I got threatened with having my car taken away. No flex. 

My parents offered my little brother up to $200 if he passes his english class. Please let that sink in for a moment. This is after my parents spent $1,000 on airsoft armor, airsoft guns, and a new Galaxy S phone, for his birthday. And after they’ve made me go visit the guitar store 10 minutes away twice to look at guitars I think he might like. 

I can’t help but feel neglected? Unfavored? Unliked? Am I just an awful person and don’t know it? Am I inferior here in this case? I mean…I tried, I tried really really hard in school. I didn’t graduate with my associates degree like my peers did, but I still tried. My little brother doesn’t even seem to be putting in effort. I mean, he’s a nice kid. Maybe they do like him more. I dunno. 

Mar 31

Having another low self esteem night. It might just be the irregular sleep pattern. It may be me missing my girlfriend more and more daily. Not sure.

I don’t mean to be cryptic with this. I just treat this as my journal more than anything else. This blog is really only meant to make sense to me.

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