It’s been a while since I’ve had to use this blog.
Lately I just feel…unwanted? Unappreciated? Well, I am kind of a royal screw-up lately. To the nth degree. I hurt one of the people that means the most to me, I found out, in an absolutely horrifying manner, and I’ve wanted to shoot myself in the mouth because of it. I’m pissing all kinds of people off without even trying or meaning to, and I’ve been in this house for near six solid days, and it’s driving me absolutely nuts.
I wanna know that someone out there actually cares about me. I wanna know that someone out there actually wants to know that I’m okay. And I don’t wanna go to the passive-aggressive route and go nuts on facebook here. But I’m just looking for some kind of validation and closure that I’m not a horrible person.
On top of this, nearly everyone I know is getting engaged or married. And while I do have more luck with dating than most, I still feel lately like I am going to die alone. I generally have 4 requirements for a girl. They need to be LDS. They need to be geeky, to a degree, so they can tolerate me being geeky. They need to be within the state, and they need to be straight. That’s not very much to ask for! But unfortunately, I can usually only pick three of those four. I’m too geeky and not LDS enough for the normal LDS girls, I’m too LDS and not geeky enough for the inverse. I am literally in a position in which I cannot win. I feel useless and unwanted.
On top of all this, music and finding a job is going hellishly awful. I’ve been unemployed since February 15th, and the more days that go by, the less and less I’m worth to an employer. And I refuse to work fast food, I would literally rather shoot myself in the mouth.
To top it all off, my family situation has only gotten worse. Mom is talking about up and moving to Florida, and has been looking at houses and condos and payment plans for them both. Dad seems completely disinterested, and Andrew doesn’t even seem to know. Am I literally the only one that cares anymore?
I’m unsure of every single one of my emotions and thoughts as of late. Take nothing I say or have said in the last few weeks seriously. At minimum, with a grain of salt. I just need to drown all of my emotions in mint brownies.
(It’s not, like, I’m sad or anything? I’m just like, super unsure of everything now. GDI.)
Normally I’d save these for late at night when no one will bother reading them. But in this case I need to just get some things off my chest.
Today started out as a regular day, get up, shower, chat with my girlfriend a little. She’s been really having a hard time with the distance lately, and I wish I could help her. But, outside of that, get dressed, go to work, blah blah blah. Unfortunately, that’s where everything good today ends.
I get home to a letter from the college I’ve been going to for the last 2 1/2 years, hoping that it’s the “Yes you can have a diploma now” letter.
After 2 1/2 hours of calling and trying to get dipwits to answer simple questions, I found out I was screwed out of my diploma, because SLCC is lowering the credit value of classses. They cut one credit out of my Film 1070 course, and now I am short one credit. However, this still leaves me with 61 credits, which is required for an associates degree of science. Do they let me get my diploma?
Nope. They insist I don’t have enough credits to graduate. So now I’m taking summer semester.
That’s not where it ends. My mom has been taking these HCG drops for some screwball diet she saw on Dr. Oz, and it’s been making her incredibly irritable lately. Everything from finding out I wasn’t getting my diploma, to how I reacted when I found that out, to me correcting my dad on the model of phone he had, to pointing out that the job listings my mom sent me all require the age of 21 to apply (I’m 19), was up for yelling and criticism by my mother. I confronted her about the diet (For those who don’t know, the HCG diet is when you take synthetic pregnancy hormones, to fool your body into thinking you’re pregnant, so your metabolism speeds up. Take it from someone who took Biotech courses for a year and a half, synthetic hormones are rarely ever a good idea.), which led to more yelling.
Having this weigh over me and ruining my mood, I overhear a conversation downstairs between my mom and my little brother. Now, for those of you who don’t know, my little brother is a junior in high school, and an engineering prodigy. Unfortunately, he’s also lazy being belief, and is failing a buncha classes. Now, when I got close to failing a class, I got threatened with having my car taken away. No flex.
My parents offered my little brother up to $200 if he passes his english class. Please let that sink in for a moment. This is after my parents spent $1,000 on airsoft armor, airsoft guns, and a new Galaxy S phone, for his birthday. And after they’ve made me go visit the guitar store 10 minutes away twice to look at guitars I think he might like.
I can’t help but feel neglected? Unfavored? Unliked? Am I just an awful person and don’t know it? Am I inferior here in this case? I mean…I tried, I tried really really hard in school. I didn’t graduate with my associates degree like my peers did, but I still tried. My little brother doesn’t even seem to be putting in effort. I mean, he’s a nice kid. Maybe they do like him more. I dunno.
Call this a journal entry. Call it a vent and cry post. Whatever.
I haven’t had a night like this in a while. A very long while. I feel…useless? Expendable? Very easily replaced? And while there are some aspects of my life that I can’t complain about, I have a roof over my head, parents who tolerate me, a wonderful girlfriend, there are other things that I could really improve.
Some of my close friends are moving out to an apartment together. And while I’m happy for them, I am also incredibly envious because I am entirely incapable of moving out right, as well as incapable of getting any financial aid from my parents (The $1,200 price tag on my little brothers birthday doesn’t help much). It frustrates me beyond belief, I feel even more separated from them thanks to the 1-3 year age gap between all of them and me, and all of their little inside jokes from knowing each other for years. Sometimes I wish I was just, like, one or two years older. That would more than definitely solve a lot of problems for me right about now.
My lack of a job is frustrating beyond belief, as well as money and any decent jobs nearby. And making crappy EDM out of a bedroom in my parents house does not a lucrative career make. I’m just so confused right now. Though it may be the it’s-one-in-the-morning thing talking.
I also wish I knew I was special. I get it, yeah, I’m not half bad at music. But just once, I’d like to know I mean something to someone outside of just being nice to them. Nice guys are everywhere. I wanna know I’m important and special, but nah. Never a word of validation from anyone. I try my hardest to let people know i value them, I may not be the best at it, but I at least make an effort. Yet I don’t seem to be worth the time of day to most others. Though, again, this may be the 1-in-the-morning talking.
But above all else, I miss my girlfriend. I miss her so so much. I make it out to be like it doesn’t get to me, and sometimes it doesn’t. But I just want to be with her all the time, and even more so now than before. I wanna know she’s okay and to hold her in my arms and all that cheesy gooey mushy stuff. It makes me stupidly jealous when other people get to spend all the time they want with her in Virginia, and I’m lucky if I get a Skype call every now and then. I wanna spend all the time in the world with her and know that she’s all mine and I’m all hers and no one elses. I’m in love, so sue me.
I am SO. BORED. I legitimately don’t know the last time I was this bored. Everyone’s either offline, already out with friends, doesn’t wanna hang out with me, too far away, or some combination thereof. Or in a completely different state altogether.
“Costco’s average pay, for example, is $17 an hour, 42 percent higher than its fiercest rival, Sam’s Club. And Costco’s health plan makes those at many other retailers look Scroogish. One analyst, Bill Dreher of Deutsche Bank, complained last year that at Costco “it’s better to be an employee or a customer than a shareholder.” Mr. Sinegal begs to differ. He rejects Wall Street’s assumption that to succeed in discount retailing, companies must pay poorly and skimp on benefits, or must ratchet up prices to meet Wall Street’s profit demands. Good wages and benefits are why Costco has extremely low rates of turnover and theft by employees, he said. And Costco’s customers, who are more affluent than other warehouse store shoppers, stay loyal because they like that low prices do not come at the workers’ expense. “This is not altruistic,” he said. “This is good business.””—How Costco Became the Anti-Wal-Mart - New York Times (via alexdarke)